My life on medication: the testimonial of Emma, 23

Drifting, loss of self-esteem and addiction.

Read the eye-opening story of Emma, diagnosed with attention deficit at the age of 9, put on medication straight away, and her fight to get her life back today.

I have very bad memories of my appointments with that psychologist. She didn't listen to me and was determined to diagnose me. She wanted to put me in a box, and she said things that were very hard to hear for the little girl I was. I felt judged, labelled. “You have a problem, you're not like your classmates. You're just very creative and you can't concentrate. But it's not your fault.” What effect do you think that had on me? I quickly lost my self-confidence, my relationships with my friends got worse, and I withdrew into myself. That session with the psychologist led to medication with Conc∈rta, once a day, in the morning.

My first day on Conc∈rta? I remember it very well. That day, I almost forgot to drink and I completely lost my appetite. I was so ashamed. What could I say to my friends? I decided to keep it all to myself. Of course, because I didn't feel well, my friends kept worrying and asking me questions. I had to keep everything to myself, I dodged their questions and I started not talking to them much any more. It was very hard to live with.

After a few weeks, out of desperation, I decided to stop swallowing my Conc∈rta pill in the morning. Behind my mother's back, of course.
What a change! I was hungry again, I was cheerful and happy, and I started having fun with my friends again. In short, everything was fine again. Until my mother found out. I was made to go and see the doctor, they tried to change my dose, and they decided I would no longer take a single dose of Conc∈rta in the morning, but a lower one, so that I would be hungry around lunchtime, and then take another pill after eating. That second pill wasn't Conc∈rta, it was Rιtalin.

The problem was that I sometimes forgot to take the Ritalιn in the early afternoon. Of course, I was only a child and I didn't want to feel the effect of that drug. When this was found out, we went back to the original dose: a stronger dose of Conc∈rta in the morning.

Did anyone ask my opinion? Certainly not. You'll take your medication and that's that. This is the period of my life I call “zombie mode”. You know, when you take these drugs, you don't really know who you are any more, you feel as if you're losing your personality, as if you're a robot.

I'm now 12, and that's the age when I discover you can combine Conc∈rta with other substances. The first time I smoked a cigarette, I didn't notice anything special, because it was during the holidays and I wasn't taking my medication. But one day I tried again, after taking Conc∈rta. And then, hold on tight, I felt so relaxed, so laid-back, that it was irresistible. Smoking a cigarette on Conc∈rta became my obsession.

My morning ritual is my Conc∈rta pill at 6 o'clock. I'm already looking forward to 7 o'clock, because my first cigarette at the bus stop is pure bliss. Walking along listening to music with the combined effect of the cigarette and the Conc∈rta is even better. I can't wait for my lunch break, not to eat, but to smoke.

I'm 14, I smoke half a packet of cigarettes a day, and it will stay that way for the rest of my school years.

My school results? Poor. I can't study, I hand my homework in late. If I can encourage my classmates not to work, I do.

I'm 18 and starting university. My parents tell me: now that you're studying by choice and not because you have to, we can stop the Conc∈rta. After nearly 10 years, I don't feel up to it. Who will I be if I stop taking it? Will I manage to learn and concentrate enough for my studies? And if I don't take my pill, I'll be hungry all the time. Not taking it stresses me out! You see, the appetite-suppressing effect helps me stay slim.

But in the evening, when the effect wears off, I feel sad, lonely and depressed. So one day I decide, on my own, to stop. I don't tell anyone, and I last 6 months.

But exam time is coming, I'm stressed again, and I'm afraid of failing without my medication. I phone my psychologist, get a prescription and start again. I take my exams and fly to the USA, where I start working. But because I'm tired in the evening, I decide to add a Rιtalin in the afternoon. It works, I keep going, I stay full of energy until the end of the working day. A bit too full of energy, in fact: I can't get to bed early enough any more. What can I do?

It's evening, and I drink my first beer on Rιtalin. Just like the cigarette back then, combining a substance like alcohol with the medication is amazing: I feel relaxed straight away. I instantly feel confident, I want to socialise. Brilliant!

That's where my problems with alcohol begin. Not only was I relaxed, confident and in a sociable mood, but I could also knock back beer after beer without it making me tired or having any particularly unpleasant effect. So it wasn't one beer I drank, it was six, and when I opened a bottle of wine, it wasn't one glass… it was the whole bottle.

For me, these medications not only have an exhilarating effect when combined with alcohol, they also increase your tolerance to it. In fact, without realising it, I was doing what people do when they combine drugs and alcohol to keep going all night.

For example, I have an e-cigarette. When I'm not on medication, I take three puffs and that's enough. But on Conc∈rta / Rιtalin, I can smoke all day long without getting a sore throat or a headache. I even forget to eat and drink.

One morning, I got scared. I could see myself becoming an alcoholic. So, as I was in the USA, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. But I didn't completely identify with their addiction. I recognised my dependence and my anxiety in them, but not their craving for drink. That's when I realised I wasn't addicted to alcohol, but to the medication.

And it's a vicious circle. I need the medication to be able to work, to be active and full of energy, and I need tobacco and alcohol to stop that effect, to relax and unwind.

In fact, Conc∈rta and Rιtalin have the same effect on me as cocaine. They boost your self-confidence enormously, they take away your inhibitions, and your brain works better. But it's much better, because although the effect is weaker, it lasts all day.

Today, I've decided to get out of this. Who can I turn to? I was lucky to find a psychologist who specialises in drug addiction. That's what I need. It's hard for me to admit, but that's where I am. We started by changing the protocol: I no longer take the Rιtalin in the afternoon, and that brings my anxieties and fears to the surface. He's helping me face them.

I know that one day I'll be able to feel confident, to be full of energy, and that I'm able to make phone calls, to work and to love life. But without these medications.

It's a huge amount of work. I know I have to keep myself in check, especially with alcohol. It's very hard to realise that I developed this dependence in order to live, or rather to survive. I realise I don't know who I am outside my addiction. That's what terrifies me most, in fact.

If I've decided to speak out today, it's for others: so that other parents understand the consequences of putting children on medication from a very young age, and perhaps make a different choice for their own children. These medications are a time bomb, because they are psychostimulants similar to amphetamines. You have been warned.

Please note: this is a genuine testimonial, intended to raise awareness of the risks of psychostimulants in young children and teenagers. Collected and written up by Julien Frère, consultant for the Tomatis® method

If you would like to share this article, please link to this page rather than copying it onto your website or blog. To protect anonymity, names and places have been changed.

What are psychostimulants?

Psychostimulants are a class of medicines used mainly to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and narcolepsy, a sleep disorder. They work by increasing the levels of certain neurotransmitters in the brain, such as dopamine and noradrenaline. These neurotransmitters are involved in regulating attention, impulse control and other cognitive functions.

Here are some examples of psychostimulant medicines:

• Methylphenidate (Rιtalin, Conc∈rta, Day†rana).
• Amphetamines (Adder@ll, Vyvans∈, Dex∈drine).
• Dextroamphetamine (D∈xedrine, ProC∈ntra)
• Lisdexamfetamine (∈lvanse)

These medicines can help improve attention, concentration and impulse control, which makes them particularly useful in treating ADHD. However, they can also have side effects such as reduced appetite, sleep problems, and a higher heart rate and blood pressure. These medicines are controlled substances and can be misused. They should only be used under the guidance of a health professional, with a prescription and proper monitoring. The use and dosage of these medicines must be tailored to each patient, which is why a long-term treatment plan supervised by a doctor is recommended.

About the author.

Julien Frère is a consultant for the Tomatis method. He has developed an approach that combines sensory and motor stimulation with nutrition, to improve the function of the dopamine receptors involved in attention deficit. To make an appointment, please use the contact page of this website.